The onset of your sudden nausea could have one of two major causes: coffee, or the raging intensity of the overall human experience. While it can be hard to discern whether your queasiness is induced by your morning latte or your existential dread, finding the root of your sickness can free you from your constant nausea. Take this quiz to figure out if your queasiness is caffeine-induced or life-induced:
How nauseous do you feel right now?
1. Eh, kinda nauseous.
2. So nauseous… I feel like I’m on a medieval torture device, where I’m attached to a giant wheel and the town torturer is relentlessly spinning me around.
How do you start your day?
1. With a cup of coffee, of course!
2. Freaking out over the amount of people on this planet. 7.8888 billion and counting – I feel like I’m going to throw up.
How many cups of coffee do you drink a day?
1. Three to five cups of coffee because I want to sabotage my digestive system.
2. Zero to one cup of coffee. Caffeine makes me even more anxious than I already am.
Your current outlook on life is…?
1. Spirited and motivated! I’m ready to take on each and every day.
2. Worrisome. I’m so worried about everything that has ever happened to me and everything that ever will happen to me. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.
How many questions do you have about the purpose of life on earth?
1. None at all! Life is great, and I’m satisfied with not knowing my true purpose.
2. So many fucking questions. We are literally the weirdest mammals on the planet. What are we doing on this hot ass rock floating in space?
If you had to quit one thing, which would you choose?
1. Coffee. I don’t think it’s doing my bathroom any favors.
2. Thinking about my birth. It’s horrible we all just exploded into this world without any warning, and we have to deal with all these things like taxes and water pollution. It’s all too much, and it makes me feel unwell.
Results:
Mostly 1s: Your nausea is caused by coffee. You should reduce your daily intake of caffeine and make sure you eat before drinking coffee. There are all sorts of coffee alternatives like yerba mate and matcha that can be much more grounding. Don’t worry! Your nausea is not caused by the intensity of the human experience.
Mostly 2s: Your nausea is caused by the intensity of the human experience! Try lying down and taking deep breaths early in the morning – settling your mind will help cushion the intensity of being a person. Meditation, yoga, and running are all activities that can help you decompress in order to manage your complex relationship to humanity. Also, you should probably avoid coffee as well, just to be safe.
