Okay, so that baby in the grocery store checkout line won’t stop staring at you, and it can only be for one of two reasons: you’re a stunningly gorgeous angel, the likes of which that baby has never seen before in her short life, or you’re a hideous, frightening monster and she’s about to burst into tears. Here’s how to find out which one it is before it’s too late:
How are the adults in the vicinity looking at you?
- They keep sneaking furtive glances at me, and I kind of feel like everyone wants to ask me out?
- Frankly, they’re not. I haven’t caught a single person in this store looking at me besides this infant, but I have the sneaking suspicion they’re all looking at me behind my back, and perhaps snapping some photos, too.
What’s the baby’s body language like?
- Open and glowing. Arms spread like she wants me to pick her up, and there’s a huge smile on her face.
- Super cold and closed off. She was trembling with something akin to either fear or rage, I’m not sure which. Like, I knew babies could make fists, but I didn’t know they could ball them so tight that circulation would be cut off to their fingers.
How have other babies reacted to your appearance in the past?
- Pretty much the same way. They always seem to love me, and I get the feeling that, if given the choice, they would want me to be their mom instead of the lady they’re currently with.
- Babies have learned to walk the moment I’ve entered rooms simply to get away from me. I don’t know whether that’s miraculous or an affront to God.
How do you think you look? Be honest.
- I mean, we all have our insecurities, but I don’t think I’m awful looking, you know? Is that super annoying of me to say?
- I can’t really say. I haven’t looked in the mirror in 17 years, and all I remember from the last time I saw myself is pure, undiluted fear.
RESULTS:
Mostly 1s: You’re beautiful! Congrats, I’m sure you already knew that, you little attention seeker, you! Go live your annoyingly charmed life, and leave the rest of us to toil in peace.
Mostly 2s: You’re hideous, pal. Now get out of that line before that baby starts sobbing and draws attention to your scary face and body. Go!
