QUIZ: Is That Baby Staring at You Because You’re Beautiful or Hideous?

Okay, so that baby in the grocery store checkout line won’t stop staring at you, and it can only be for one of two reasons: you’re a stunningly gorgeous angel, the likes of which that baby has never seen before in her short life, or you’re a hideous, frightening monster and she’s about to burst into tears. Here’s how to find out which one it is before it’s too late:


How are the adults in the vicinity looking at you?

  1. They keep sneaking furtive glances at me, and I kind of feel like everyone wants to ask me out?
  2. Frankly, they’re not. I haven’t caught a single person in this store looking at me besides this infant, but I have the sneaking suspicion they’re all looking at me behind my back, and perhaps snapping some photos, too.


What’s the baby’s body language like?

  1. Open and glowing. Arms spread like she wants me to pick her up, and there’s a huge smile on her face.
  2. Super cold and closed off. She was trembling with something akin to either fear or rage, I’m not sure which. Like, I knew babies could make fists, but I didn’t know they could ball them so tight that circulation would be cut off to their fingers.


How have other babies reacted to your appearance in the past?

  1. Pretty much the same way. They always seem to love me, and I get the feeling that, if given the choice, they would want me to be their mom instead of the lady they’re currently with. 
  2. Babies have learned to walk the moment I’ve entered rooms simply to get away from me. I don’t know whether that’s miraculous or an affront to God.


How do you think you look? Be honest.

  1. I mean, we all have our insecurities, but I don’t think I’m awful looking, you know? Is that super annoying of me to say?
  2. I can’t really say. I haven’t looked in the mirror in 17 years, and all I remember from the last time I saw myself is pure, undiluted fear.




Mostly 1s: You’re beautiful! Congrats, I’m sure you already knew that, you little attention seeker, you! Go live your annoyingly charmed life, and leave the rest of us to toil in peace.

Mostly 2s: You’re hideous, pal. Now get out of that line before that baby starts sobbing and draws attention to your scary face and body. Go!