Feel a hemorrhoid coming on? Don’t be so sure. While your ass pain could be due to a stubborn hemorrhoid, it might also be the product of a microscopic runaway bus full of shrunken school-children manned by a chaotic science teacher. This quiz will help you know for sure:
Do you have a history of hemorrhoids?
- Yes! This is my third one this year and my parents also have a history of them.
- No, I’ve never had one in my life.
Was the pain accompanied by the muffled sound of screaming children?
- I don’t think so? Unless you count my own screaming.
- Okay, thank god you mentioned it. I thought I was being haunted by 30 tiny ghosts.
Have you experienced any weird symptoms?
- Just the usual – pain, bloody poop, visibly swollen veins on the outside of my rectum. Actually, could you define “weird”?
- Aside from the screaming schoolchildren? There was the extremely pungent smell of burning rubber, not to mention the lingering feeling that 60 plus eyes were staring at my ass.
Yell out, “Throw it in reverse, Ms. Frizz!” Did that do anything?
- No…what the fuck?
- Wait…yes! The pain immediately alleviated. There is some lingering soreness and an imprint of a tiny school bus stamped on my ass cheek, though. Should I be worried?
Check in with your local elementary schools – do any of the science classes have an unexpectedly in-depth knowledge about the functionality of the human rectum?
- I’m not doing that.
- Oh my god. I looked into it, and one class did! Normally, I’d just assume they were a bunch of science nerds but they also had a weirdly anthropomorphized iguana hanging out with them? Something zany is definitely going on over there. Can you look into it more, though? I’m not welcome back at that school.
Mostly 1’s: Sorry, pal, you’ve got the ‘rrhoids. Not sure why you needed to take this quiz to find that out though. The symptoms were, like, super obvious.
Mostly 2’s: It’s your lucky day! Your ass pain was caused by an unlicensed bus driver and some time and space magic that we’re not totally clear on – not hemorrhoids! That imprint of a school bus on your butt cheek is forever though. Win some, lose some!