We’re sometimes our own harshest critics, but sometimes you have to wonder—am I being harsh enough? This quiz will help you figure out whether you’re as terrible as you think you are, or so awful that you should never go out in public, ever.
- Your friend is throwing a baby shower for someone you don’t know very well. You’re invited—and your friend expects you to attend. What do you bring?
a. The cheapest thing on the registry. A pack of spare nipples won’t break the bank, and you can drink more than their value in mimosas. Nailed it!
b. Your dog. I mean, she’s like your baby, and this is a celebration of this kind of shit, right?
c. You think really hard about what you would want if you were having a baby, but then that sends you into a depressive spiral about your poor life choices. You block your friend’s texts and never speak to her again. Why would she do this to you??
- You make a stupid mistake at work, and before you can cop to it, the intern gets blamed. What do you do?
a. Don’t really say anything, but apologize to Sandra after a month or so. It’ll never happen again, so no harm, no foul…right?
b. Take a deep breath and keep playing Candy Crush. Jesus, it is fucking awesome how Sandra gets blamed for this shit.
c. Agonize over what to do, and write at least three apologetic drafts to Sandra, the client, and your boss that you never send. After two weeks of this agony, mysteriously resign your position and move back in with your mom. Start blogging about it.
- Your sister has a new boyfriend after her last one cheated. What do you tell the new boo?
a. That he’d better fucking be a stand-up guy—you don’t want your sister’s heart getting broken again like it did with the last series of STD-ridden assholes.
b. To look for you on Tinder. He’s got a goddamn great jaw.
c. Stare at him silently during dinner, and excuse yourself to the restroom to puke your shrimp scampi out of nervousness and sadness. You feel really put on the spot here, but also overwhelmed with the crushing loneliness of your life. Sneak out a side door and spend the next two weeks off the radar, only leaving your apartment at night to buy those giant tubs of cheese balls at Target.
- You’re just sitting down to dinner when you see your boyfriend’s phone light up with an urgent text from his boss. Your bae doesn’t see it. What do you do?
a. Tell him while whining about how his work is getting in the way of your discussion of the waiter’s failures.
b. Don’t say a word. He is going to be DEAD TO YOU if his “hospital job” keeps you from licking popcorn foam out of a sea urchin tuile cup in 20 minutes.
c. Assume that his boss is really the harem of wives you suspected he keeps in the Ozark Mountains. Hint that he should check his phone, then jump through the restaurant’s plate glass window. Run for the state line. Join a traveling carnival as a ticket taker and slowly develop an endocrine-related neck hump. That’ll show him!!!
- You suddenly find yourself in a time machine, which takes you to Adolf Hitler’s childhood home. You’re standing over his bed watching nine-year-old Hitler sleep while you weigh a pistol in your hand. What do you do?
a. Nothing. Sure, he was one of history’s greatest monsters, but what untold horrors could happen if you altered the timeline?
b. Kill him? Idk. Ugh, this is so boring. Maybe you can use the time machine to go back before your friend Laura’s wedding to get pregnant for attention. It was so lame being just a regular bridesmaid.
c. You look around child Hitler’s room to see his simple drawings and other innocent, carefree tokens of childhood. You think back to when you were this open and free, but see nothing but a fetid void of bad memories and the cruel taunts of other children. You collapse into a ball on the floor as you hiccup and weep, chanting the name of your childhood goldfish—your only friend—over and over—Genevieve, Genevieve, Genevieve! The next thing you know, you look up to see young Hitler standing over you, gun pointed at your face. Then everything goes black.
If you scored…
Mostly As: Yep, you’re the worst. It’s okay, though—so are most other people, so it’s not as bad as you think.
Mostly Bs: You are actually the worst. You need to check yourself, girl. Maybe some court-ordered community service would be a good thing for you. At the very least, don’t go to any more weddings or baby showers.
Mostly Cs: Wait a second… it says here that you are the worst that a person has ever been. Are you okay? Here, we brought you a glass of water. There you go. We have someone who would like to ask you a few questions.
