In a twisted and fucked up story developing out of Oak Grove high school in Silver Spring, MD, gym teacher Coach Brown is somehow not a lesbian.
“I can’t help but feel I’m being somewhat gaslit,” says one student, Rachel Goldman. “Coach Brown is a middle-aged woman who played college soccer. She’s confident, firm, and rocks the hell out of a polo and khaki cargo shorts, yet there are reports of her not being gay. What am I to make of this?”
And Rachel isn’t the only one who’s been thrown for a loop.
“Coach Brown gave me the strength to come out,” says an Oak Grove alumnus, Devante Lewis. “She showed me the possibility of queer futures, of queer happiness, of how queer people can thrive and be integral to any community. But it turns out she’s just a sporty straight woman who drives a Subaru Outback and likes sensible footwear.”
While Coach Brown never suggested she was gay with words, many sources feel they were manipulated into assuming she was a lesbian icon, and after learning she was straight, assume she must be doing this all for the clout.
“Coach Brown was also my health teacher in 9th grade,” Rachel says. “It was so meaningful to have a queer elder teach me sex ed, or at least that’s what I thought. I found it endearing when she looked grossed out while putting the condom on a banana, but in hindsight I think she was just a WASP.”
In a survey of alumnae who graduated between 2005 and 2015, 70% said that Coach Brown was the first gay adult they ever met, and 100% said she had a positive impact on queer students’ self-esteem and straight students’ view of the LGBTQ community, but actually all those people were just collateral damage in the web of delusion spun by a goddamn fraud.
But Coach Brown doesn’t see it that way.
“I absolutely love my students, and I’m glad I make these less traditional kids feel comfortable,” says the queerbaiter. “But I am a straight woman. I’m married to Mr. Brown, the science teacher? He comes and visits me in the gym all the time.”
Sources report this is accurate but everyone assumed they were siblings or just joking.
“I used to feel grateful to Coach Brown for helping me realize I was gay,” says former student Chloe Fine. “But now that I know the truth, I actually blame her for the fact that I still fall for straight girls.”