Online dating can be tricky—what if you want out of the date fifteen minutes in? For the next time you hate your date and want to find a quick escape, here are some tips from leading fart experts so you can fart your way out of this Tinder date!
Conserve
Every week, you waste hundreds of farts on empty boardrooms or regular useless toilets, which means your poots don’t see their full potential. If you really want to get the bang for your butt, hold your farts in all week. This way you’ll have plenty of butt whispers saved in anticipation of your date. When talks about his sisters a little bit too much, you’ll be ready to pull that rip cord!
Timing
Good timing is crucial when you’re using your toots to get out of a traumatizing encounter with a stranger. Don’t waste your saved farts on an excuse to go to the bathroom. Wait until he points out to you that all his bros are drinking at the bar in the corner, then let three of those puppies rip. Release the cacophony from your body and suddenly you have a valid, if not impressive, excuse to leave. You won’t even have to make up some obvious lie. Farts speak for themselves.
Control
Like any good fireworks show, you wanna save your big stunners to the end. The second you realize that this is a guy who only calls women “females,” let those big finale farts go! The symphony of scents that you’ve collected in the last seven days will overwhelm his senses so completely that he will run screaming for the door… if he can make it that far without passing out.
Lean In
If none of these tactics works, you have one final chance with one long and powerful pooter you’ve kept for safety. At this point, your date will certainly make a comment that is misogynistic, but not even worth arguing with him over. This is your cue to break that wind. Look him in the eyes, smile, and allow the trajectory of your powerful digestive tract to propel you rocket-style back to the safe little fart cave that is your apartment.
Escaping a weird date is hard, but it’s made easier when you can flatulate your way to freedom!
