Food – it’s so complicated, right? If you eat it, you get fat, but if you don’t eat it, you get dead. Guys love girls who can pound a cheeseburger milkshake, but hate chicks with a waterbed ass. How do you care about food without looking like you care about food so fucking much? Fret not, ladies – by following these simple restaurant rules, you’ll have friends, lovers and food service employees convinced you eat like a carefree foodie, when really you’re playing a one-woman version of the Hunger Games.
STEP 1: Talk Up the Menu
Read the menu loudly, verbalizing your intent to eat things. Eaters often say things like, “I could murder some mac and cheese right now,” or “ooh, hash browns!” Deliver a few of those as you go down the list and you’ll sound just like a person who eats.
STEP 2: Pick Solid Foods
Eaters prefer solid foods to liquid meals, so order something that requires chewing. An option from any menu section other than “Drinks” will do. Follow this advice, and you’ll seem just like someone who regularly uses her digestive system.
STEP 3: Understand the Courses
Crazy as it sounds, many people who eat frequently order an appetizer, an entrée AND a dessert – in that order. Trick your tablemates into thinking that’s something you do too by actually doing it. Your knowledge of course chronology will have them thinking you’re a genuine gourmand.
STEP 4: Quantity Counts
Nothing says, “I eat food” like ordering a lot of it. Go for the biggest thing on the menu. Your fellow diners will be so impressed with your generous appetite, they’ll completely overlook your incompetence at using cutlery.
STEP 5: Insult Your Waiters
Become irate when it hasn’t arrived one minute after you order it. Tell your fellow diners what a terrible job your waitress is doing. Go on a rant about how you expect your food to come arrive in a timely manner. When your food does come, they’ll assume you’re not eating because you’re too hungry.
So next time you’re dining out with friends, remember: you aren’t what you eat but how you pretend to!
