Five Diet Cocktails that Taste Like Shit and Won’t Help You Lose Weight

You’re on a diet, so you probably shouldn’t be drinking at all, but since you insist – here are some popular diet cocktails that taste terrible and won’t really help you lose weight if you keep on drinking like that, you drunk:

Diet Red Bull and Vodka

Even if your heart doesn’t explode, you’re disgusted face is gonna look super fat as you try to hold down this shitty drink.

SkinnyGirl Margarita

Bethenny Frankel’s real “secret to weight loss” is her endless access to coke. If you’re really serious, skip the Skinny Girl Margarita and make a beeline for the bathroom “line” at any club in the Meatpacking District.

Straight Gin with a Bunch of Limes Shoved in it

Even though you asked the bartender for “lots of extra lime, like LOTS”, you’re still drinking well liquor straight, which tastes like shit. Alcohol turns into sugar in your body and stores in fat cells, you dumb idiot. Go read a book, on the rocks.



Crystal Light and _____

Are you still in college? Because it looks like you’ve gained the Frosh 15 pouring that skanky on-the-go packet of Crystal Light fruit punch into your cocktail at the bar. Aspartame is known to increase appetite and your mouth is red like a chunky toddler’s. Get it together.


Long Island Iced Pee (Miller 64)

It’s not a cocktail, but you sometimes put it in a champagne glass at your own house parties to make yourself seem classier than the bitch drinking Corona. It tastes like you sucked it straight out of the wiener of a Long Islandman, but it’s 64 calories. Two words you should know by now: BEER BELLY.


So, that’s it. Make sure you drink a glass of water in between each drink so you don’t bang TOO many guys before you eat that cheeseburger and fries with a side of ranch, because you need greasy foods after you drink, you dumb fat lush.