Old Navy Unveils New Line of Performance Anxiety Fleece

Winter fashion alert! For those among us who have slow-developing agoraphobia and fear reentry into the normal working world, Old Navy has unveiled their new line of Performance Anxiety fleece outerwear, meant to perform when you are feeling the least capable of being a human in the outside world.


“We’re so excited to release this new line as people are just absolutely horrified at the thought of an in-person meeting or spontaneous small talk with a stranger,” says creative director Todd Oldham. “We hope that our new fleece will help you feel better about yourself, or at least help you hide under a hood if you just crumble under the weight of basic social interaction.”


Anticipating a slow return back to the normal expectations of society, Performance Anxiety Fleece will be lightweight and comfortable, and easy to hide under during a work presentation, live show, or ceremony.


“We’re even working on formalwear, for those first few horrifying weddings where you know whatever you say will be inadequate,” added Oldham. “We’re pretty much betting that you will have completely forgotten how to do any of this.”



The new line of pants, sweatshirts, jackets, and accessories will be sweat-wicking, just like the regular performance fleece line, which you will absolutely fucking need the minute you have to make eye contact with someone you don’t know for the first time.


“And the unique, soft microfibers will help you stay calm when you forget how to form cohesive sentences in front of ten people or more,” adds Oldham. “You’ll want to absolutely die when the time finally comes, but the fleece will help with the anxiety a little bit.”


Old Navy expects several months before the new line will pick up in sales, but they are confident that you’re going to fucking need it.