If there’s one thing we can all agree on about bodies, it’s that it is very bad when they age over time. You can see the effects of this process in your older loved ones, whose bodies bear physical traces of their full and meaningful lives. Luckily, corporations have developed expensive products to disguise this evidence of experience until you’re either too old to make the effort or you die young. Thank you, corporations!
Olay Total Effects Daily Moisturizer
Remember your kindergarten teacher who was always smiling? Maybe that’s why she had those awful laugh lines at the corners of her mouth. Avoid a similar fate with Olay Total Effects Daily Moisturizer, which firms and tones your skin to prevent wrinkles.
Biologique Recherche Masque PIGM 400
This face mask is a triple threat: it tightens, tones, and brightens your skin so that you look as young as you feel. Your neighbor used to be a triple threat too: raising children, working at the grocery store to make ends meet, and participating in civil rights marches on the weekends to demand liberation for all. Make sure no one ever confuses you for someone who could have done all those things with this age-defying mask.
L’Oreal Paris Revitalift Derm Intensives Night Serum
Retinol increases the rate at which your skin cells turn over, so that you always have a fresh, dewy complexion to present to the world. Too bad they didn’t have this when your rabbi was growing up, or she might look like less of an old bag while she bat mitzvahs your niece. She may have been a spiritual and moral guide to you throughout your life, but making sure you never look like her is a goal you should pour money and energy into for the rest of your earthly years. Young people forever, bitch!
Aveeno Absolutely Ageless Anti-Wrinkle Facial Moisturizer with SPF 30
Defying expectations that she would settle down as a wife and mother, your aunt spent her twenties traveling the world, making lifelong friends in places like Egypt, India, and Morocco. She probably didn’t wear sunscreen, which is why her face is such a disaster now. Make sure you don’t repeat her mistake by applying Aveeno Absolutely Ageless Anti-Wrinkle Facial Moisturizer with SPF 30, and never leaving the house between ten a.m. and four p.m. just in case. No offense, Aunt Leslie, but fuck you and your battered old face!
What have beloved old people ever done for us? Sure, they’ve raised us, loved us, and occasionally inspired us by acting with honor and integrity. But their faces are kind of puckered up, and that’s gross. Spare yourself the same fate by arming yourself with the very best that creams have to offer.