Oh, Yes, I Miss Manicures Too…’ Says Woman Whose Greatest Joy is Biting and Eating Her Own Dirty Fingernails

Reminiscing over Zoom about when they used to go to restaurants and get their hair done, Rachel Hollins and her friends eventually got to the topic of their frayed, unmanicured nails.


“Oh yah, I miss the hand massage,” said Rachel, hiding her fingers, which are currently chewed to bits as always. “I really miss all those manicures I was always getting all the time.”


Rachel has not gotten a manicure since her sister’s wedding eight years ago, when the manicurist joked about how there were “no nails there left to paint”.


Since then, Rachel’s nail maintenance routine consists of subconsciously jamming her unwashed fingers into her mouth and biting every last inch of free nail off until there’s nothing left.


Rachel made sure to emphasize that she really misses “those gel nails,” although she has no idea what those actually are.

“I don’t know why I lied,” Rachel now says. “I mean, every time I sit in front of the TV I have a big old feast of fingernails. I can’t get enough of it.”



“I don’t know why she lied either,” says Rachel’s friend Amanda Song. “I just went along with it because it’s a pandemic and everybody is kind of losing it in their own way.”


“She was going on and on about how she misses the color choices. Like, if she painted her nails right now she would be painting 90% skin.”


“I just love chewing,” says Rachel.