In an inspiring story of love and devotion coming out of Bridgeport, CT, newly-minted couple Kianna DeMarco and Sam Tishman have finally sat down together and defined their relationship as bad.
“We’ve been dancing around this question for a while,” Kianna told reporters gathered at the scene. “Are we casual? Are we exclusive? And if we’re exclusive, are we technically ‘dating’? The one thing we’ve settled on for certain is that our relationship is really bad.”
Congrats to the unhappy couple! This is a huge step!
“There’s so much pressure these days to label the exact nature of your relationship,” Sam said. “Like when you’re –”
“Why do we need to label everything, you know?” Kianna interrupted.
“Can I literally finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish!” Sam snapped back.
Sources confirm this was followed by an extremely long, uncomfortable, silence.
Yup, sounds bad all right!
While Kianna and Sam can’t seem to settle on whether they should call each other “boyfriend and girlfriend,” it is 100% clear that neither of them are having a good time, and all of their friends want them to break up.
“Kianna spent so much time crying over Sam during the situationship phase,” Kianna’s roommate, Yvonne Mills, told reporters. “Which I think they’re still in? I have no clue. Have they defined anything yet? All I know is that man is a menace.”
That’s all Kianna knows, too! Yay!
“I’ve been asking him to define our relationship for weeks, but he has absolutely refused,” Kianna continued. “It felt like we had a real breakthrough this morning, though, when we finally realized that we do know what we are to each other: we’re bad. Like, really bad. I don’t think I’m good for him or he’s good for me, and it’s awesome to recognize that.”
Sources confirm Kianna and Sam have no intention of changing anything and are simply happy to have reached this new stage in their relationship.
“Yeah, Sam definitely doesn’t want to be in this thing and keeps taking it out on Kianna,” Sam’s best friend, Max Looper, told reporters. “They’ll probably stay together for another few years and grow quietly resentful until they realize their lives are simply too intertwined to extricate themselves from one another, at which point the resentment will reach a fever pitch and dissolve the relationship with explosive intensity. Anyway, yeah, are they dating?”
Here’s to hoping it ends soon, lovebirds!
