In a unique opportunity only offered to those who left home after high school and have not been back since, the family friend’s wedding you’re currently attending offers a beautiful, serene environment to compare yourself to your childhood friends.
Yay! What fun!
“There’s nothing quite like a beautiful destination like this to really get you in the mindset to viciously torture yourself by measuring your achievements against those of the childhood friends you haven’t seen since 10th grade,” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “The beach, the water – there’s no place like it to question whether it would have killed you to go into finance for a few years just so you could avoid telling people you’re vaguely ‘pursuing art’!”
Sources confirm the celebration of love will quickly take a backseat to your mom’s friends asking how the city is and whether “work things have finally turned around.”
The best part? Watching them pretend they haven’t already heard all this from your mom!
Reporters estimate it will take about 35 minutes before someone asks if you have a boyfriend. Have fun telling them you’re gay now! It will take 14 seconds for that news to travel.
“Of course, this is all in my head. No one is asking me to compare myself to others, and I’d absolutely be better off focusing on how proud I am of how far I’ve come since high school,” you laughed. “But when have I ever done that? LMAO. Literally when has that ever happened.”
For sure, girl! This way is better!
Sources hope you brought a cool outfit, because this is the only data point your family friends will have about you for years to come.
While you spiral about whether you’ve made anything of your years on this planet, have fun glancing over at Kelly DeMarco – your best friend from second grade whom you haven’t seen since – who’s doing really big things in the “iced coffee” space!
Plus, just when you think you’re done comparing yourself to others, get ready for your mom to turn to you and whisper, “Kelly’s doing big things in the iced coffee space,” as if that thought hasn’t been on loop since you arrived.
On the bright side, this will probably all go over your dad’s head, and he’ll turn to you during the ceremony to ask how much you think it all costs. Love that guy!
