After thanklessly toiling away in pursuit of her goals for months, things are finally going well for Washington D.C. resident Cynthia Heller, so naturally, she’s terrified.
“I asked for a promotion, and I got it. Then, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take things to the next level, and he said, ‘Yes.’” Cynthia whispered to reporters from underneath her covers. “Am I on Punk’d? Legally you have to tell me!”
Cynthia is convinced that because the universe is cosmically balanced, something terrible is going to happen soon. Scientists confirm there is no evidence to suggest the universe is cosmically balanced because it actually favors disorder, and whatever Cynthia is going through is “just some bullshit she made up.”
“Everything is going exactly according to plan,” Cynthia continued, peeking out of her curtains. “I simply was not prepared for this to happen.”
Cynthia is so scared of how well everything is going that she’s decided to take it upon herself to fuck up her own life.
“I’ll just feel more in control if I do it myself, you know?” she told reporters. “As opposed to waiting for the other shoe to drop on its own, which it inevitably will.”
Scientists confirm, once more, that this is not inevitable. In fact, sometimes things are just good.
The measures Cynthia has taken to sabotage her own success include very obviously slacking off at work, and asking her boyfriend if they could go “coworker one-way open,” where she gets to fuck his coworkers but he must remain monogamous.
Sadly, her attempts have only brought more good things into her life: “Turns out he’s a huge cuck and loved the idea. We’ve never been closer as a couple. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”
Cynthia has resorted to taking refuge in her home, refusing to go outside because, “What if things continue to go well out there? I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.”
Professor Marta Lopez at the University of Toronto confirmed that Cynthia’s thinking is common but misguided: “People don’t really understand probability. If you roll a six on a die, that has absolutely no bearing on whether the next roll will also be a six, but for some reason people assume things happen in patterns.”
Reporters then informed Professor Lopez that Cynthia’s case is about life events, not dice rolls, and Professor Lopez said, “Oh yeah, if today was good, tomorrow will be bad. That’s science.”
At press time, Cynthia’s boyfriend proposed a threesome with their hot male model neighbor, and Cynthia could be heard yelling, “WHY ME, GOD? WHY ME?”
