In a story that’s really putting your childhood into perspective, you decided to check up on your beloved kindergarten teacher Ms. Bellows, only to find that she is definitely a conspiracy theorist now.
Nice! Good thing she’s one of your primary influences in this life!
Sources confirm you decided to look Ms. Bellows up after reconnecting with a fellow classmate and reminiscing about how much you two loved her back in the day.
“I loved Ms. Bellows more than anything,” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “She taught me how to embrace my individuality and celebrate the things that make me different from everyone else. In short, she taught me to love myself. And now it seems like she’s teaching all her Facebook friends about the Flat Earth Theory and Pizzagate.”
According to her Facebook page, where she posts four times a day, Ms. Bellows is now an avid believer that the government is lying in new, extremely specific ways.
“Look, I’ll be the first to say maybe the government is lying,” you continued. “But I don’t think they’re lying about the Earth’s rotation, whether Avril Lavigne is alive, or 5G. Kind of tough to hear that the person I looked up to most in childhood has kind of gone off the rails.”
In fact, this raises the question of whether Ms. Bellows was ever on the rails to begin with.
“I mean, she was eccentric, but only in the fun ways!” you continued. “Like how she told us not to use cell phones or turn on the lights after 3 p.m. or vote– ooooooooh, for sure. She’s always been crazy.”
A quick glance at her page confirms Ms. Bellows doesn’t just ascribe to your everyday conspiracy theory — she’s making up theories of her own. Her most recent diatribe focused on how no one in the State Department will admit that 1) Biden is being piloted by aliens, and 2) that those aliens are writing books about gender that are being funneled into children’s libraries immediately.
“At least she still has that creative mind!” you continued, grasping at straws. “That’s something, right? Maybe getting super into conspiracy theories is her version of getting really into painting!”
A deep dive into Ms. Bellows’ internet presence confirms she is also really into painting, having produced dozens of portraits that show the trajectory of the bullet that killed JFK.
As of press time, you decided it would probably be best not to look up anyone else, lest you realize your childhood gymnastics teacher is extremely pro-Marjorie Taylor Greene.
