In exciting news out of Seattle, WA, a leading “green” car company has just announced that they’ll be fully carbon neutral just in time for all of the icecaps to have already melted!
Yes! What a win for the environment!
“We’re finally on the road to being carbon neutral,” Alicia Corey, a spokesperson for the company, said in a statement released last week. “By 2085, that is. I also want to stress that our cars won’t do anything good for the environment and we’ll still actively contribute to the suppression of public transportation, but our cars just won’t be actively harming the ozone while we do so.”
Now that’s Mother Nature approved!
Additionally, in spite of its distant aims for carbon neutrality, the company wanted to make it clear that they still very much support the oil, gas, and automotive industries.
“We would never turn our back on these industries,” Corey told reporters. “But we also want to do our part in saving the environment, so we compromised by making a series of micro changes that may or may not decrease our carbon footprint within the next 30 to 70 years.”
Sources confirm that in terms of net impact on the environment, this company is still very much in the negative.
“I bought this car because of all their green marketing,” one customer, Sandy Watson, told reporters. “But ever since owning it, I feel like I’ve only made climate change worse. Sure, it might have commendable carbon goals for the future, but right now, it emits a black cloud of smoke when I drive, leaves strips of rubber littered behind it, and only plays radio stations with climate change denying hosts. It’s really weird.”
The car company said it would look into these issues, but for customers to, again, not get their hopes up until at least 2085 because, “That’s just how long these kinds of things take!”
You know what they say: If you keep your expectations low, you’ll never be disappointed! Or climate change will kill us all. Same thing.
As of press time, this company had officially been ranked worst in the country by the EPA in terms of its cars’ smog rating, saying that the exhaust from these vehicles had only gotten worse in recent years.
A spokesperson for the company responded, saying, “It’s always darkest before dawn, right?” to which the EPA offered a resounding, “What the hell are you talking about?”
