Summer is upon us, and no body part is more prized or scorned than a woman’s derrière. But after spring boot camps, mud runs and that surgery, have you run out of ways to hate on yours? Here’s a quick guide on fun new ways for you to talk about how your butt is the worst:
1. Meek Cheek
Meek cheek is when your butt-shame is so heavy that your butt hates itself and retreats inward. This gives the illusion of a Leg Butt, a relative of Flat Butt, which is when your butt is not distinctive from the upper part of your leg which is incredibly disgusting!
2. No-Sway Butt
Butts are all about movement. When you’re taking a walk through sand on a beach, how good does your butt look when it sways? Probably not good enough! Remember to walk like your neck and hips are just barely balancing on your spinal cord – any sway less than 45 degrees away from your central axis is stiff enough to be considered Figure Mortis, ladies.
3. Resting Bitch-Butt
You may be the nicest person in the world, but more ladies than not have a nasty case of resting bitch-butt. When you’re standing still, does your butt just kind of hang there despondently? If you don’t pay attention to the vibes your resting butt is putting out, don’t be surprised if that cutie by the pool sees you turn around and says, “what a B!”
This is the balance of butt jiggle. What’s your jpm (jiggles per minute)? And your acceleration due to grab-assity? If your numbers aren’t up to snuff, men will look at your butt like it’s a pile of pancakes on a way too hot for pancakes day.
5.Excess Fatty Butt Fat
How good do you look while you’re sitting on your butt? Studies show that nine out of ten women should hate the way their butt looks when they sit down because of the way Excess Fatty Butt Fat (known as “Fat-Butt’s Fat-Spread”) looks.
So, ladies, you decide: this summer, is your butt worth a standing bro-vation, or are you a total but-her-butt?