I want the arrival of my baby to be perfect. The thought of my tiny miracle being brought into the world surrounded by tubes (toxins), drugs (more toxins), and doctors (toxin-dealers) is terrifying. I knew early on that an in-home birth would be right for my baby and me. But then I wondered: Why not have my in-home birth surrounded by the most adorable high-end furniture, throw pillows, and miniature gingham arm chairs and also the most blissful place on earth? I’m speaking, of course, of Pottery Barn Kids.
The question of where to debut your child is an extremely personal decision for any expectant mother. Pottery Barn Kids (AKA PBK) offers me a sense of calm that cannot be found anywhere else. My husband Stan and I have a loose timeline of how the labor will go down. After the contractions get closer together or there’s ANY sign of labor, Stan will immediately drive me to the nicer mall and wheel me straight into that pastel-colored childhood haven.
Getting to PBK as early as possible is vital, because I would prefer to have my water break inside the store. That way, I’ll have to keep whatever merchandise I ruined with my amniotic fluid. I’m banking on the striped throw rug (it’s super soft and perfect for baby and me!) but of course, babies have a plan all their own when it comes to being born, so we’ll have to go with the flow.
When my labor starts, it will be like I’m home. But it will be better than home—it will be Pottery Barn Kids. I will lay down on my favorite in-store display: the Clarissa twin bed frame with the intricate ingrained headboard, Alexis organic bedding, and Chevron throw pillows. This is the place I feel most peaceful, and since I will be peaceful, baby Zekiel will be less likely to have birth defects like autism or polio.
You wouldn’t want that to happen to your child, would you?
The following people will be at my in-home birth at Pottery Barn Kids: My doula Janet, my husband Stan, and the adorable store manager, Joey. Joey is so cute! He wears this crisp pale blue button-down shirt with a PBK apron over it. Maybe one day Zekiel will work at Pottery Barn Kids! I can only hope. Also invited is any employee from any Pottery Barn Kids, because hopefully they will give me their 40-percent discount on everything, especially after I get my placenta all over the bedding.
Next I will go into active labor. According to Janet, we might have to wait somewhere between six and eight hours until Zekiel makes an appearance. I cannot imagine any other place to spend that amount of time than Pottery Barn Kids, so I’m sure they’ll accommodate us by staying open well after closing is necessary. If I need any privacy I will make Stan create a wall of bookshelves with wicker baskets inside. Stylish AND organized! If I need even more calming, the flower bouquet night-light will soothe me. And if I we need to bring in more light for Janet to see my dilated cervix, then Stan can grab the polka dot lampshade with the Sailboat base. People say that it’s going to hurt a lot, but I’ve already picked out an adorable plush giraffe for $49.95 that I can squeeze when the contractions really start to kill me. I’ll just keep squeezing that sweet giraffe as baby Zekiel’s head expands my vagina!
After Zekiel pops out, I will embrace Joey, Janet and Stan. And hopefully the store employees will play that darling Bob Marley for Babies CD and give me a round of applause. We’ll be lucky because we will have a place to change Z’s dirty diapers using the Sabrina diaper caddies and toss my placenta in the Sabrina wicker garbage can. Then I will place my child in the Sabrina wicker bassinet in off white, although a light beige will work as well. I’m sure Joey and our new PBK friends won’t mind us staying around for a couple of days while we get to know our little one away from the chaos of hospital machinery.
Years from now, little Zekiel is going to thank me for being born in Pottery Barn Kids. When you’re surrounded by high-end furniture and madras quilts you know your child is gonna make it in the world—as long as mall security doesn’t get involved.
