As a beautiful working actress, nothing is more tiresome than having to play gorgeous ingénue after gorgeous ingénue. Yes, it’s nice that I have this blazing talent and impeccable poise and charm—I’m not complaining. It’s just that there’s not much of a range of roles for someone who looks like me in Hollywood. I’m tired of standing around being the prize, or the hot buzzkill, or the hard-bodied scientist on a crime procedural. What I really crave is a complicated, nuanced role where I can punch a hole in the wall and eat crackers in bed and maybe even wear fake teeth and have bad hair. If I’m being honest with myself, my dream is to act, and for me, that would require being ugly.
Is that so much to ask, Hollywood screenwriters?
I understand that there are actresses out there who are conventionally unattractive. These are known as “character actors.” I will never look like that, and I’m okay with that. I understand that it will take a LOT of makeup to make me unattractive, but that’s what the special effects people are for, right? I really want to say lines like, “Veggies is stupid. Who wants pie?” and “Your music is too loud; I’m trying to study!” If I have to wear a prosthetic nose and a frizzy wig to do it, then that’s what I’m gonna do. If it means I can play a ferret hoarder who embezzles millions from a Fortune 500 company, I will put on a fat suit. If I can play a third-grade teacher who doesn’t buy school supplies for her students, I’ll wear wide-legged cropped sweatpants with slip-on sneakers. I don’t care. I will go the extra mile, because that’s what it means to care about your craft.
This isn’t about trying to get an Oscar, although I wouldn’t turn it down if someone offered it to me. This is a simple desire for there to be more diverse roles for beautiful Hollywood actresses like myself. Here are some examples I came up with while my stylist was straightening my hair this morning:
- Pear-shaped single investment banker with a big nose and a calf tattoo who takes a big risk on backing a vape store.
- A horse enthusiast with lopsided breasts who faces a crisis when she reconnects with an old high school boyfriend who turns out to be a butcher.
- A pig-faced magician’s assistant who faces a crisis when her boss tells her she’s too fat to be sawed in half.
I would love to take on any or all of these roles, so take note, important Hollywood producers! It doesn’t even have to be those exact roles, just as long as it allows me to play temporarily ugly while still being conventionally pretty. This is my dream, and Hollywood is for dreamers! So bring on the fugly parts, because this girl is ready to act!