My Horoscope Said Nothing About This Massive Fuck Party, And Yet, Here I Am

Like so many modern women, I believe in the stars and planets and the future-telling properties they hold. Astrology has accurately predicted many of my significant life events as well as the compatibility with all of my partners. So you can imagine my surprise right now considering that my horoscope said nothing about a huge orgy party, and yet, here I am.


Listen, I don’t have a problem with it! I’m not not open to new experiences. One time my horoscope predicted a “long journey” for me, and so I decided to invest in laser hair removal and let me tell you, that journey was long. But it ended up being a really positive experience, because now I don’t have to shave. So it’s not like I’m closed off to a new experience. It’s just like…an orgy? Huh! There was nothing, absolutely nothing, about this in my horoscope.


Is anyone else a Scorpio in here? Is anyone who is currently touching me or being touched by me a Scorpio? Anyone born from late October to like, the third week of November and can confirm or deny their horoscope foreshadowing their attendance at this fuck party?


Anyone who knows me knows I live—and die, eventually—by my horoscope, and it’s never off. Last month, Susan, my astrologer, could see that I’d be having a “development” around my job and/or relationship. And while sure, I’m unemployed and single, she was right! I did send more applications than ever and I joined Coffee Meets Bagel. So it’s just very interesting that Susan wouldn’t mention a “new sexual experience” or a “risk taking event” or a “massive basement fuck party” in our last session. And yet, here I am, about to get fucked by a man wearing a horse mask in a really nice basement.



Did anyone’s horoscope say anything about this orgy? I bet Geminis’ did, because those guys are crazy! I don’t mean to keep shouting about the stars while I’m getting rammed from behind, but I just can’t figure where this was in my forecast…


It’s almost like taking the address information for a “mystery party, 18-plus only, anything goes, XXX” from the flyer at the café bulletin board a decision completely detached from the cosmos. Maybe Susan said something about Mars being angled majestically in the Scorpio house of fun, and I just didn’t hear her? I’m being fucked by at least seven people right now.


At the end of the day, I might just have to accept that sometimes the stars work in mysterious ways and that an evening of fuck swings and ball gags might be a part of my fate in an unexpected way. Though I just gotta ask, is anyone here open to a new business transaction or opportunity? Because the main thing Susan said last week was that this would be a good month for me to make a business deal or buy property… she really really said nothing about a fuck party. How weird is that?!