I’m Not Here to Make Friends, Except for Those Who Aren’t A Threat to Me Sexually

First off: I did not come here to make friends. I know there are a lot of women out there looking for besties to pal around and gossip with, but that’s not what I’m about—unless, of course, I am the more attractive one in this pairing.


If you’re a beautiful, nice girl looking to make a connection with me, you can go ahead and keep walking because I’m not buying what you’re selling. Making friends with a conventionally attractive, charming woman is not what I came here to do. Thanks for the offer, but I’m going to go ahead and stick to my routine of only befriending men and the occasional quirky weirdo who is nice but objectively less attractive than me.


One too many times I’ve gone against my better judgment and made friends with a cool, beautiful girl, only for said girl to steal the heart of a man I am romantically interested in. Or at least they have that look like they’re going to at any moment. It is for that reason that I must stress the harsh truth that if you are a sexual threat to me, your attempts to befriend me are going to fall on deaf ears. I do not need friends—unless you’re not competitive with me, looks-wise.



It’s not like I won’t befriend anyone who’s pretty. That would be crazy! If you’re a beautiful girl with a personality so toxic that I can be certain no man will be attracted to you over me, that’s also fine. I have no problem calling you my friend. Also, if you have a long-term boyfriend and are vocal about your loyalty to him, you can be my friend, too. You are not a threat to me, and we can be BFFs!


It may seem harsh, but I’m pretty much all set in the friend department. I hang out with a bunch of really cool guys and a couple of girls that I know I can boss around, so I’m good. I don’t need any new friends, unless they fall specifically into that camp. In which case, let’s get brunch sometime!


So if you are just an okay-looking woman or a handsome man looking for a relationship feel free to contact me because I am pretty lonely and weirdly still single.