Mother of three Jessica Kerner announced Monday that her favorite child is now officially and “without a doubt” her nine-year-old daughter, Elizabeth.
While Kerner previously favored 13-year-old son, Brentley, Kerner claimed, “I don’t know what I was thinking. He’s fine, but Elizabeth is just better.”
Kerner lost hope for Brentley soon after he was dropped from the gifted program at private school, had a mediocre soccer season where he didn’t even start, and “didn’t bring much to the table as a son or a member of this household.”
Elizabeth, on the other hand, has expressed a firm interest in becoming president in 2026, and has already begun working on her campaign strategy.
Other goals for Kerner’s new favorite include taking up ballet, raising three ponies, and eating more ice cream than her useless ingrate brother and sister.
Kerner notes that the challenge is not how to foster the growth of young Elizabeth, but to let everyone know that Elizabeth is objectively the best child in her household. “I’ve ordered several plaques to remind them,” Kerner says, “And the other children are now sleeping in the shed.”
Credentials for Elizabeth’s new rank include her good manners, her lack of immediately impending puberty, and the ease with which strangers can both spell and pronounce her name. Of the switch, Brentley offered only, “It sucks. Elizabeth sucks. I want to move in with my Dad.”
According to Kerner, Brentley appears to be handling the news “Very well…for a damn pussy.”