‘Most Women Lie About Rape,’ Says Man Lying About Rape

Revelatory statements from 31-year-old Todd Ratner have been made public today just minutes after several women came forward with allegations accusing him of sexual assault.


“This is a true stat, I’m not making this up—99 percent of women are lying about rape,” Ratner said, blatantly lying about rape. According to reports, Ratner wrote this across several Facebook comment threads and also shared it aloud to anyone who would listen.


“These women—literally 65 to 75 percent of them—they’re lying so they can ski down a pile of rape-allegation money like some sort of screwy female version of Scrooge McDuck,” Ratner said.


When several commenters pointed out statistics that directly refute Ratner’s comments, he immediately responded, “I’m not lying; they’re lying,” despite the fact that there are no benefits to lying about a rape, but many benefits to lying about being a rapist.


“I don’t have any idea who is making these accusations against me because I’m completely innocent, although I can guess that it’s probably somewhere between three and six women who I all know by name,” Ratner explained. ”Obviously taking me down is a personal goal of theirs that’s definitely worth all their time and suffering as I truly believe I am that important of a person.”



Ratner then continued on to say that he “actually would never rape anyone,” which is why it’s “so sad that nearly 56 percent of women are lying and also I have a girlfriend, which makes me trustworthy.”


According to witnesses, Ratner was glued to his phone, firing off twenty-some tweets about how “women love to falsely accuse men of sexual assault ‘cause it’s easy and they are bored” before taking a break to get a snack and making fun of the Ghostbusters reboot to an unresponsive cashier at 7-Eleven.


At time of writing, two of Ratner’s accusers had received messages from him saying, “Please can we talk? I just hired a lawyer.”