New mom Melissa Chung is happy to have a beautiful 6-month-old baby girl, but even more ecstatic that her lactation skills are on-fucking-point.
“My doctor told me I have what’s called hyper-lactation syndrome,” explains Melissa. “I produce about a gallon a day, which basically means I’m a beast mom.”
Melissa’s been producing so much goddamn breast milk that her baby can’t even keep up, so she stores her surplus supply in her freezer to use later or sell to weirdos on the internet. She spends most of her day hooked up to her pumping machine like a pumped-up dairy cow training for the Milk Olympics.
“It’s magical to watch her feed our child from her own body,” says her husband Tim. “Like she’s a friggin’ Yeti mom or some shit.”
Tim also benefits from his wife’s hyperactive teats: Because Melissa’s breasts are so sore from shooting volcanic eruptions of breast milk, he’s not allowed to play with her truly enormous new mom boobs. He does, however, enjoy the fearsome magnificence of her surplus supply in his morning coffee.
“I pretty much leak all the time and can’t keep any shirts dry,” Melissa says with a mix of pride and exhaustion. “It sort of feels like I am Mother Earth and this is my yield.”
Melissa’s doctor is impressed with her supply but also concerned for her health.
“Melissa can lactate enough breast milk to make a teenage boy vomit,” says Dr. Prakesh. “That’s pretty cool, but I’ve advised her to eat at least one pizza a day just to be safe.”
Despite concern and judgment from fellow new moms, Melissa knows they’re all just jealous that their boobs can’t go into beast mode.
“I saw my baby eyeing her boobs at the park the other day,” says mom Angela McAlister. “It was cool to see her quickly fill up a whole Nalgene bottle, but it also made me feel like a failure as a mother.”
Melissa plans to breastfeed until her daughter is one and then give her boobs a recovery period before she starts training for the next kid.
“By the grace of god, I will one day beat my best record, continually spraying for at least two hours,” she says.
