In an incredibly disappointing story out of your living room, it has become clear that your friend Melissa has received some sort of media training, as she is currently refusing to talk shit with you.
“I don’t know what’s up with her,” you told reporters while your friend was in the bathroom. “I told her how rude our mutual friend was being to me the other day and she just responded with a vague, ‘I’m sorry, that must be tough.’ Like, what? Call her a bitch or something!”
“It’s like she was trying to predict questions, avoid common traps, and focus on delivering her key messages,” you added, clearly having just googled what media training is. “I don’t know…it just feels like she cares about protecting her reputation or something.”
Umm, who is her PR manager and why are they telling her to do this?
“I don’t know why she didn’t want to talk shit about our other friend who I’m objectively closer with and would likely tell everything to,” you said. “It’s boring when there’s no stakes!”
Your friend didn’t have anything to say about her alleged media training, but she did say that it was very clear that you had not received any.
“You know when you see a celebrity bumbling around in an interview and it’s like watching a car crash in slow motion, but it’s also kind of endearing?” Melissa asked reporters. “That’s what having a conversation with her is like.”
However, you remained oblivious to your friend’s statements, and started gossiping about her to reporters while she was still within earshot.
“I hate that she came out of that conversation looking better than me,” you said. “She’s like the person that goes on a reality TV show and wins but everyone thinks is kind of manipulative. I’m too real for that. I’m like the raw reality TV contestant who everyone hates and ultimately gets sent home early. So that’s…something.”
You continued, saying, “Would I win the bachelor? No. But would there be a clip of me that goes viral because of how completely batshit insane I’m acting? Absolutely. And that’s fun! Unlike my friend with all this lame ‘I hear you’ and ‘Why do you feel that way?’ bullshit.”
As of press time, your friend had finally caved and started talking shit about you to someone else. However, she justified it by saying it was because she had recently gotten more media training and learned how to discuss relevant topics in an engaging and professional way, and she knew your other friend would eat this shit up.
“Communication is all about choosing when and when not to reveal information,” your friend said, which reporters did actually feel like was super manipulative of her.
