In an all too familiar story out of Los Angeles, CA, 24-year-old Paul Medford is obviously using his huge penis to compensate for his tiny little car.
Nice try, Paul, but we see right through you!
“When we were hooking up and I caught a glimpse of his monster dong, I knew exactly what was happening,” said Paul’s girlfriend Sarah. “Immediately I thought, ‘Ugh, this guys probably has such a small car.’”
Correct you are, Sarah!
Paul drives a tiny, itty-bitty Toyota Prius hatchback, the kind that reflects poorly on him. Scientists confirm if you saw it, you would laugh.
“The first time I saw Paul’s massive unit of a peen, I couldn’t help but chuckle,” Paul’s best friend Matthew told reporters. “Like, come on man, you really think that’s going to distract the ladies from your tiny car? Grow up.”
While Paul regularly tells his friends his two-door coupe has about eight horsepower, with one glance, anyone could tell it’s barely hitting three, maybe four at most. Scientists confirm that even if eyeballing the size of his car is tough, a ruler never lies.
But Paul isn’t the only one using his gargantuan badonkadong to hide an unsavory reality. Scientists have confirmed that of the men who have embarrassingly small cars, 80% have mega schlongs.
“What we’re seeing here is a textbook case of a tiny car complex,” said Professor Ray Raleigh, who specifically studies the car-to-penis-size ratio. “Men who are embarrassed of their tiny cars spend plenty of time and money growing big, satisfying penises.”
According to Professor Raleigh, this phenomenon can be traced all the way back to ancient Egypt, where men would use their giant glugalugs to compensate for tiny pyramids.
As far as where this leaves her relationship with Paul, Sarah is unsure.
“I told myself a tiny car wouldn’t bother me, but it’s the principle of it all. Why does he feel the need to offset it with a big penis? I feel like it really says something about him, you know? Like, what: Do you want a prize? Does having a big penis make you feel like more of a man? Everyone can still see your tiny car, you fool!”
At press time, Paul was seen scouring various dealerships for options to increase the size of his car and finally put this ridicule to rest. Even if he’s successful, it’ll still be obvious Paul is using his massive shlong to compensate for his tiny barbecue.