‘You Need to Vote to Fix This,’ Says Lawmaker You’ve Voted for in the Past Four Elections

In a developing story out of New York City, Democratic lawmaker Chuck Schumer said your vote is the only way out of the clusterfuck of this nation’s issues, despite you having consistently voted for him in the past four elections.


“You want the federal protection of reproductive rights codified into law? Vote,” the senator said. “You want a national healthcare system? Vote. You want meaningful climate action? Vote. You want me to do anything the majority of the nation has wanted done once I am voted into office? Vote harder.”


According to sources, the lawmaker then went on to list every single issue on which he had specifically campaigned on and failed to achieve, and concluded that if you actually wanted action on these issues to happen, you would just need to vote for him one more time.


In light of leaked documents showing that the Supreme Court is planning to overturn protection of abortion rights this week, Schumer is calling for the Senate to hold a vote to force lawmakers to publicize their stances on abortion. Although this action achieves nothing to actually protect the people who do not want to be forced to give birth, Schumer, a longtime lover of symbolic elections that don’t do anything, said that such a gesture would still be “a very important vote.”


He added that this week’s vote is as important as the midterm elections, where he hopes Democrats will maintain a majority and continue to do as little as possible with that power.



“A gross abuse of our democracy got us where we are right now,” added Schumer. “And the only way to get out of it is…democracy, but where you vote for me, specifically.”


After aggressively fundraising off promises that were not kept, Schumer promised one last time that this nightmare will end, if and only if you head over to the high school gym again this fall and check his name on the ballot.