Proving that everyone can dream big and achieve, 32-year-old Neil O’Malley has made it known that it is his goal to acquire a couch for his apartment sometime in the next couple of years.
“My place is pretty bare now, but I’m determined to make sure it doesn’t stay that way forever,” Neil told reporters from a stool in his kitchen, which also serves as his coffee table and dining room. “I’m actually hoping to get a couch sometime soon. Don’t count me out just yet. Things are looking up.”
Reporters flagged that “hoping to get a couch” is a rather noncommittal phrase that doesn’t suggest he’s making active moves towards this goal. Neil agreed.
“Yeah, like, I’m hoping it happens,” he continued. “And I’m pretty sure that hoping is a major part of the process.”
When asked whether he’s searched the internet for a suitable couch yet, Neil responded, “Like, on Twitter? No. Why would there be a couch there?”
Reporters concurred that it would be unlikely for someone to sell a couch over a social media platform, then clarified that they were asking whether he had visited a furniture store or website to see which options were available to him.
“Oh, no,” he continued. “I’m really bad at choosing stuff. It’s so hard for me. Plus, I don’t know what the best stuff is.”
Reporters then informed Neil that no one really knows “what the best stuff is” – people just make choices and assess from there.
“That’s not really how my couch journey is going to work,” he continued, indignant. “I’m probably just going to wait until I have a girlfriend or wife who has a strong opinion, you know?”
This sent a shiver down reporters’ spines, and they collectively let out a soft prayer for the poor girl who would be forced to take on this man’s interior decorating in the future.
“Look, I’m moving up in the world and doing pretty well at work, as I’m sure you can tell by my sick new gaming chair,” Neil continued, directing reporters’ attention to the immaculate gaming setup he had in the corner, which was the only section of the room that appeared furnished. “I think it’ll be time for me to add a couch to my collection in two, maybe three years.”
As far as what guests currently do when they come over to his house, Neil maintains it’s not an issue.
“We sit on my bed,” he said confidently, gesturing to his mattress on the floor. “It’s super comfy and probably doesn’t have bed bugs anymore.”
