Loser? Woman’s Bedding Has No Cum Stains

In a pathetic story out of Philadelphia, PA, 28-year-old Frankie Johnston owns a linen bedding set that is entirely free from cum stains, like some fucking nerd.


“It is pretty embarrassing,” says Frankie’s roommate, Tessa Ajole. “She’s had that bedding since we moved in, and I’ve spotted no vague stains from sex liquids on it ever.”


“Plus, it’s linen, so she’s washing cold and tumble drying low,” Tessa adds. “It’s not like she’s bleaching or doing any real work to remove stains. It just seems like no one is squirting or spilling seed on her sheets. Couldn’t be me.”


And Frankie’s roomie isn’t the only one to notice that she’s a huge dork.


“I went home with Frankie after a Hinge date the other night,” says Theo Zheng. “I think she’s totally awesome, but when I noticed no cum stains on her bed I was like, okay, someone’s not getting any, and there’s got to be a reason for that.”


“We were making out and she asked if I wanted to have sex, but ultimately I decided to just say I had to feed my lizard and bail,” Theo adds. “I was into it, but she’s obviously anti-cumming, so I don’t know if we’d have been sexually compatible.”



Despite mounting evidence to the contrary, Frankie doesn’t see how her bedding’s lack of jizz spots makes her a grade-A nerdling.


“I feel like not having stains of any kind on your bedding is a desirable thing?” says Frankie. “I do happen to be sexually active, but I’m just careful about it.”


Did someone just say something? We don’t speak virgin.


“I love her, but I won’t deny Frankie’s cumless bed is depressing and rude,” says Frankie’s best friend, Jayna Weiss. “Somehow the energy is like, wow, you’re such a loser but also you clearly think you’re better than me because when someone cums inside you your vagina just holds it all in until you go to the bathroom instead of it immediately spilling out onto your sheets? Sometimes it makes it hard to be her friend.”


What a total cop.


“I’m assuming all this bullying is coming from a place of insecurity,” says Frankie. “If you want me to teach you how to not get cum everywhere during sex, I’m happy to. One good way is to simply use a condom.”


Wow, no thanks!