26-year-old Topeka, Kansas resident Jena Fabricant has been asked to leave her longtime group of friends due to her ‘inability to define a personal brand.’ Reporters interviewed ex-friend Corinne Lerner, 27, who said, “When we met in college, Jena was a nice, normal girl. A good friend. But now, she’s all over the place. Sometimes she posts cute lipstick selfies on Instagram, and then she posts pictures of herself backpacking in Thailand, and then it’s an ironic picture of a huge sandwich. It’s like, who even is she?”
Another ex-friend, Bailey Bachman, 26, corroborated Ms. Lerner’s story. “Jena’s a vegetarian, but she also drinks a lot on the weekends. Is she the healthy chick who can recommend salad joints and yoga studios, or is she the wild child who knows about the best up-and-coming underground parties? I don’t know how to talk to her.” When asked about her own brand, Bachman responds unequivocally: “I’m a Charlotte.” She continues, holding out her pearls for emphasis. “These pearls aren’t real, but I got them anyway—I think it’s very important to be straightforward with people, you know?”
“I turned a blind eye to Jena’s disastrously confused Facebook page,” says Lerner, “but I had to put my foot down when she actually started stealing my personal brand.” Evidently, Jena got a promotion three weeks ago at “that stupid nonprofit she works at.”
“Everyone knows that I’m the careerist amongst our friends!” explains Lerner, who has since filed an identity theft report with the Federal Trade Commission. “Why is she trying to steal my thing?”
Former friend Jess Ng weighed in on the matter via her weekly political comedy vlog, “LOL USA.” “[Fabricant] would go weeks without posting anything, and other times, she’d make jokes about politics. And I mean, since when is she the funny girl? I mean, sure, she’s funny, but like, if she wants to be the funny one, then where are her glasses? For Christ’s sake, she doesn’t even live in Brooklyn!”
Ms. Fabricant could not be reached for comment. Her email auto-response said that she was spending the weekend “skiing, drinking, reading, and having a general good time with some friends and my kids.”
