Following an unexpected engagement announcement from her only daughter, mother Wendy Simpson told reporters Wednesday she was no longer sure what is left of her daughter’s life to criticize. “It’s bittersweet,” says Simpson, idly pulling at a napkin. “No one tells you how hard it will be when your kids up and meet your expectations one day.”
According to Simpson, complaints about Annie’s marital status were the bulk of most emails, text exchanges, and personal correspondences since she hit puberty in early 2000. But now that the persistent message has been received, Simpson is unsure of how to move on. “I’m at a bit of a loss,” said Simpson, noting the significant role complaining about her daughter’s relationship status played in her daily routine. “Finding little places to work in how she was running out of time to meet a man and what a shame it would be to die alone was kind of my thing. Now what?”
Simpson added the announcement couldn’t have come at a worse time, what with the holidays right around the corner.
“Annie will be home for Thanksgiving in just a few weeks, and I’m completely unprepared,” Simpson said. “If only she still had those terrible bangs.”
According to Simpson’s husband Carl, his daughter’s engagement announcement has jolted his routine as well.
“Minutes after Annie told us about her wedding, that woman started pestering me about my gut and switching out my cereals for the fiber kind,” says Carl, outraged. “Years of sleepless nights listening to her criticize our daughter’s relationship failures are one thing, but sugar-free Honey-O’s? I won’t have it.”
Annie is unsure what she and her mother will discuss now that the topic of failed relationships is off the table. “I have a good apartment, a great job, and I never walk anywhere alone at night. There’s literally nothing for her to take issue with.”
“And we haven’t spoken since,” Annie adds.
Simpson was last seen criticizing old children’s toys from the basement.
