Every woman needs a little black dress. It’s the law! And while it’s easy to find one that fits your body type, every woman needs the perfect black dress to match the blood seeping out of your broken blisters and into your four-inch heels. We tested out dozens of LBDs while wobbling around in an open field with our bloody pumps on, and it was all worth it in the end for this list of nine recommendations:
A-line
Fitted on top and flared on the bottom, A-line dresses are ideal for sunny days because their skirts provide a built-in source of shade for your delicate, bleeding footsies. This means your skin will stay soft and smooth enough to keep breaking open at the slightest bit of friction!
Sheath
The classic silhouette of the sheath dress is great for slimming down those problem areas. The simple outline of this dress will let your rapidly disintegrating heel skin steal the spotlight. We all know who’s the star of the show tonight––the blood pooling inside your stilettos!
Maxi
We know what you’re thinking: “But, if I wear a dress that goes all the way to the floor, how will people know that I’ve strapped two medieval torture devices to my feet?” Fear not! Let your grand entrance get your stilettos good and bloody, then take a pair of scissors to the bottom of your dress to show off your assets! Be careful not to cut too close to your feet, since they may have lost all sensation by now. Don’t worry about making an even cut; no one will be paying attention to that hem when they see those exposed, bloody stubs that used to be your feet!
Backless
You’re a thin, graceful woman. You do yoga daily; you own three juicers; and you wear backless dresses. Some women might be scared to go backless (and braless!), but not you, you fearless Taylor Swift song protagonist! Go ahead––slip on a scant little black number to top off those oozing peep-toes below. Don’t forget to hide the agony behind your eyes while you frolic!
Romper
Normally, a romper would make you look like a ten-year-old girl who stuffs socks into her training bra. But, thanks to those shiny, pointy heels, everyone will know you are a real woman in very real pain!
Garbage Bag W/ Head And Arm Holes
Sometimes, you’re in so much pain you just want to wear a garbage bag with ripped holes for your head and arms. We say, go for it! While you’re at it, scoop up some of that foot blood and smear it all over your face and limbs! Gwyneth Paltrow LOVES this look – it’s so simple and timeless!
Wizard Robe
“I’m a wizard and I have to wear wizard robes every day.” Great news! The best dress for you is a wizard robe! Now, as a wizard, you might be tempted to use magic to heal your shredded foot skin. But even those blessed with the gift of sorcery aren’t allowed to forgo the crippling pain that is the daily burden of a woman.
Whatever LBD style you choose, remember to let your inner beauty shine! And by inner beauty, we mean the gorgeous, red, sanguine fluid seeping out of your toe scabs from the inside of your thin, female veins.
