It’s tough to keep up with the latest scientific research on cancer-prevention, and if you’re anything like me, a freelance writer with no credible medical knowledge, you haven’t even tried. But just because you have no credentials doesn’t mean you can’t write about how to lead a lifestyle that might prevent cancer. Here are some tips and tricks that Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know, possibly because I made them up to hit a word-count minimum!
Avocado, I Guess?
There is some kind of oil in avocados that makes you have less bad heart cholesterol so your blood is better able to flow, scrubbing carcinogens from your veins. Plus, avocado contains some kind of omegas, which means it helps the good blood flow into your brain to increase anti-cancer thoughts. Back when I was writing my thesis on Chaucer and not anything relevant to cancer, I would sometimes eat guacamole and feel pretty great, so now I swear by it.
Read Poetry
Reading poetry makes me feel alive! Surely, more aliveness = less cancer. It’s called “math.” I am a freelance writer.
Look for Foreshadowing of Ill Health to Come
A cloudy sky, a lone crow wheeling above, a clap of thunder in a moment of uncertainty – each of these could be an omen of cancer down the road. If you notice these or any similarly ominous portents, consult your doctor immediately. Then tell me about it – I’m trying to write more non-fiction.
Avoid Stressful Tasks, Like Researching Cancer Prevention
Stress is probably very bad for you, so it stands to conjecture that avoiding stress must be good for you. For example, nothing stresses me out more than meticulously researching credible studies on cancer prevention. This is a stress trigger that I always avoid because I don’t want to get cancer.
Green Chemo Smoothie
I know that green juice is healthy because it’s $8 at Whole Foods, and I know chemotherapy kills cancer, so why not call it your morning green chemo smoothie? Not only is the green juice loaded with kaleido-nutrients, but you’ll probably be sure to vomit up any cancers the chemo juice leaves behind. Win-win! Whole Foods’ café area is also great for working on the novel you’re ghostwriting.
Magical Realism
Back when I was getting my B.A. in English and avoiding my only required science class, I once wrote a paper on magical realism. This is a type of literature whose tone is realistic, but then, magic happens. If your real life seems cancer-prone, just imagine yourself as a character in a short story by pioneer of magical realism Jorge Luis Borges. Rather than progressing toward cancer in a linear fashion, you will realize the inseparability of past, present and future. There is no cancer in the eyes of a wise grandmother.
Post-Structuralist Meditation
Cancer, as far as I recall from the Wikipedia entry my mom sent me once, is basically just your body making too many bad cells, like a building with too many bricks. Structuralist literary theorists proposed viewing language like a similarly rigid structure, which poststructuralist theorists deconstructed into smithereens! I assume meditating on post-structuralism for 15 minutes every day can probably deconstruct your body’s cancer building bricks as well. If this is too confusing, try diet and exercise.
Patient Buddhism, i.e. Reincarnation
Living is like writing, my non-medical profession, and we rarely achieve Pulitzer quality on the first draft. So then why do we expect to get life right the first time around? Even if you don’t manage to prevent cancer in this life, try a diligent Buddhist regimen in this your first-draft life. If you do it well, you might just please the great Editor in the sky and get reincarnated as someone cancer-free! At least that’s what I believe.
While this isn’t a complete or thoroughly researched set of lifestyle changes that prevent cancer, it is a published article with a byline for my writing portfolio. I’m 28 and have not yet been diagnosed with cancer, so I hope these tips work as well for you as well as they may or may not be working for me!
