Following the announcement that a secret CIA surveillance program has been illicitly collecting data on US citizens, renowned grudge-holder Martina Jackson has taken matters into her own hands: She’s flipping the script and listening in on the CIA herself.
Yeah, let’s see how they like it!
“I’m just tired of these organizations getting away with acting like the law doesn’t apply to them,” Jackson told reporters from inside the white van she parked outside CIA headquarters in Langley, VA. “Surveillance is a two-way street now, baby!”
When Senators Ron Wyden and Martin Heinrich unveiled the extent of the CIA’s warrantless data collection, Jackson leapt into action, buying spy gear off Etsy and renting an extremely conspicuous van to convert into a makeshift “control room.”
That’s right, fellas: Two can play at this game!
“If they get to snoop through my internet and phone data, then dammit, I get to listen in on their calls with marital therapists,” Jackson told reporters.
When reporters informed her this was both a breach of HIPPA and common law, she yelled, “Like I give a fuck!” and downed a beer in one go.
How the tables have turned!
Jackson’s parents report being concerned yet impressed by their daughter’s behavior.
“When she told us she was going to ‘Uno Reverse those motherfuckers,’ we didn’t quite know what she meant,” said her mom, Dana Jackson. “Then I saw her location was marked at Langley and it made sense. Give ‘em hell, hon!”
As far as what information the experiment has yielded, Jackson says it’s fascinating.
“It’s practically Sex and the City in there,” she said. “I know all about their love lives, career aspirations. One of them is dating this nonbinary scultpor and it’s like, what does that mean for his identity, you know? Anyway, I get why they like doing this to the American public; it’s fun.”
Jackson hopes she’s made the CIA rethink their actions, but more importantly, she hopes little girls everywhere know that they can be creepy, too. To the organization itself, she says, “Not so fun now, huh, sickos?”