In breaking news, scientists have recently discovered that the symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast, or scoby, used to brew kombucha, is actually just tiny bits of Tilda Swinton’s brain.
Despite the fact that kombucha is mass-produced and sold in health food stores nationwide, an intricate DNA testing and matching process determined that all the scoby found at the bottom of your favorite fermented tea is actually floating pieces of Tilda Swinton’s constantly replicating cerebral matter.
Lead scientist Yuri Gartusa was astounded by their conclusion, but excited that everything sort of makes sense now.
“We now have evidence that anyone who’s drinking kombucha probably has ingested some of Tilda’s brain gunk,” says Gartusa. “It makes sense to me. The way Tilda thinks, there’s just something different about it, much like a slime filled with healthy bacteria.”
Despite the groundbreaking discovery, the general public is not enthused that they’ve been sipping on Tilda’s frontal lobe for the last decade.
“How is it legal that the culture they make my Synergy out of is a slice of Tilda’s brain?” says former kombucha-lover Abbey Cortado. “I can’t believe I consistently pay $5 to drink that woman’s cerebrum.”
“Tilda is weird and kombucha scobys are weird,” says Whole Foods customer Gary Smith. “I’ve never really understood what a scoby is. At least now there’s some clarity.”
Since the results were published, kombucha sales have reportedly declined by 100%. However, kombucha companies are claiming that their actions are not illegal due to the fine print on their labels that read: this product contains a trace amount of alcohol and a trace amount of that actress who played the White Witch in the Chronicles of Narnia series.
When reached for comment, Tilda Swinton said, “My brain. Hello.” and declined to comment further.
Sources close to Tilda confirm that she doesn’t really understand why she’s making news headlines, but she’s happy to be part of a conversation that isn’t calling her out for being complicit in Hollywood’s whitewashing of films.
At the conclusion of this interview, Gartusa shared that she’s working on a new study that could make national news.
“Let’s just say Tilda’s brain isn’t the only thing you’re unknowingly consuming,” says Gartusa. “Peanut butter and Emma Thompson might have more in common than you think.”
