In a story of clever deception emerging from Chicago, IL, 24-year-old Whitney O’Neill just texted her mom, “Sorry – mind if I call you back in a sec? Just going on a quick run!” without specifying that by “quick run” she meant the drug kind.
“My mom is always on my ass about keeping in shape, and she hates that I smoke weed,” Whitney told reporters while walking to her smoke shop extremely slowly. “This is just a way to kill two birds with one stone! Now she thinks I’m running – something I would simply never do – and she doesn’t need to know I’m smoking more than ever.”
Sources confirm this plan worked exactly as Whitney hoped it would. Her mom was too afraid to interrupt her run by calling, instead texting her, “No problem at all, sweetie! Enjoy your run.”
“This is perfect because now I can call her back when I’m in the headspace to do so,” Whitney continued. Reporters suspect that by “the headspace to do so,” Whitney means she’s going to call her mom as soon as she’s a little high.
According to Whitney, this isn’t the first time she’s told a little white lie to avoid disappointing her mom.
“Last week, she called in the middle of the day, so I said I was ‘just finishing up a quick project for work,’” she continued. “What I meant was that I was watching an episode of Sex and the City. It’s not that much of a lie, though, because I consider watching TV my job now, seeing as I got fired six weeks ago.”
As Whitney went on, it became clear she had created a web of lies to paint a completely fictional image of herself to her mother. The “quick run” plan started to backfire, however, as soon as she remembered her mom has her location and can definitely see where she is at all times.
“You’ve only moved about 100 meters in the last 10 minutes,” Whitney’s mom texted. “Why are you going so slow? And why have you stopped at Zaza Village?”
“It’s not her business how fast I’m running,” Whitney said, incredulous, seemingly forgetting that she was not running at all. “I can’t believe her. Everyone has their own pace!”
As of press time, Whitney had popped an edible and texted her mother that she’s “actually just doing a cool-down to make sure her joints don’t give out after such a grueling, ten-mile run.”
