In a deviation from her typical routine, 85-year-old grandma of six Eugenia Heavens has stopped constantly chasing her grandchildren dow and instead said, “It’s actually good you didn’t call,” upon seeing them all in person.
Wait a second. Is she playing hard to get? Fuck yeah!
“Sure, I don’t call very often, but she normally starts with the classic guilt trip,” said Maya Heavens, eldest child of Eugenia’s son, Charles. “What the fuck is going on? Who taught my grandma about negging?”
According to inside sources, Eugenia recently stumbled across a YouTube video entitled, “How to Get Your Man Back,” that detailed exactly how to play hard to get, and she’s been milking that shit ever since.
“The woman in the video said it was a ‘foolproof way to make him rue the day he left,’” Eugenia told reporters, handing each of them a cup of lukewarm tea and a gingersnap. “That was kind of harsh, but it’s been working wonders on getting my grandkids to call more.”
“I was all ready to apologize for not calling and make an excuse and everything,” said Colton Heavens, Maya’s younger brother. “But she said, ‘No worries, bro. I was actually super busy. Honestly, if you could call less, that’d be awesome. I’ve just got a lot going on.’ Can someone please explain what the fuck has happened to my grandma?”
Sources confirm both Maya and Colton group-texted their parents, “Is something up with grandma? Is she going to leave us? Does she not care about us anymore? Where did we go wrong?” Since the incident, their call frequency has been up by 500%.
“I decided to pay her a surprise visit on Labor Day this year,” said Colton. “You know, just to make sure she still loves me.”
“I don’t know what it is about her new behavior, but all of a sudden, I want her approval so much more than I did before,” Maya continued. “It’s kind of exactly what happened with my ex-boyfriend Mateo – OOOOH.”
At press time, Maya and Colton’s parents tried to adopt a similar strategy, telling the kids, “No need to come home for Thanksgiving this year,” but it backfired tremendously. Both Maya and Colton were very excited to spend Thanksgiving with friends. On the bright side, this means everyone else in the family is now forced to head on over to grandma’s house!
