Let’s face it—life isn’t like The Fault in Our Stars. Nobody likes a mopey girl with a terminal illness in the real world, no matter how adorable she is. Next time the morphine doesn’t take the edge off when he’s not texting you back, grab the rail of your bed and ask yourself these questions to see if your death sentence is causing his wandering eye to look for someone less dying:
Does he think you’re too clingy? Don’t make him feel tied down; the only thing you should be dragging around is your IV pole. Suggest a “guy’s night” for him and a few pals, and order them delivery and a case of beers to let loose and hang out. He needs it – plus, it’s about time you got to know your night nurse a little better.
Are you always getting to choose what you do? Remember, just because you have limited time left doesn’t mean that you should limit his options on how to spend the evening. Instead of that last trip to Paris, maybe you could kick back and cheer on his favorite team – the playoffs only last so long!
Does your illness take center stage? You may think your striptease is sexy, but unhooking the colostomy bag can be a real boner-killer. Send him out to the titty bar to see some young, fertile women shake their stuff without vital parts falling off. This is a surefire way to make him a keeper – at least for the remaining three to six months.
Have you been hinting about harvesting his organs? It’s possible to need his kidney without also seeming needy. Just “be cool” about it and hope that he’ll offer it to you – asking looks desperate. Avoid squeezing his lower back during hugs and you might get lucky.
Is he dragging his feet about planning your funeral? Most guys hate putting together a party. Rely on your mom to book the caterer and make all of the finishing touches. If she’s already dead, squeeze in some quality time with your BFF to discuss some fun plans for scattering your ashes. Whatever you do, DO NOT bring him down with all of this sadness!
Finally, listen to your heart (unless you have a defibrillator). If he seems unhappy, let him go—just like you will everything else in a few short months.
