I’m a unique and complicated individual, yet there are some characteristics I do share with other women. I’m not like other girls, but I have had the experience of an IKEA dresser toppling onto me, nearly crushing me. But other than that minor point, I’m pretty unique.
Some girls love to be around other girls, but me? I’ve always preferred the company of guys. I just get along with them better—girls are so catty, competitive and dramatic. Well, I can be dramatic too, I guess, like the time an IKEA dresser fell on me. My manic screams for help probably came off as a bit attention seeking—but that’s something that happens to all women, no matter who you like to chill with.
I also have a confidence that other women find intimidating. I wish I could help other ladies overcome their low self-esteem, but I just don’t relate to feeling insecure. Except for that time an IKEA dresser wasn’t properly fastened to the wall and crushed me from the waist down. After that, I felt insecure for several weeks as my bruises healed.
But enough about the dresser—I’m a unique woman! My beverage of choice is—and this should impress you—whiskey. While other girls stick to feminine drinks like spritzers and wine, I’m more interested in developing my palate. I’m very patient. I realize this contradicts my taste in furniture, considering the IKEA dresser that broke two of my ribs took me no more than fifteen minutes to assemble, but the whiskey detail about me is much more important!
I hate how other girls spend hours getting ready in the morning. I just grab whatever’s clean and head out the door, which is actually why the IKEA dresser fell on me—the whole thing’s balance was thrown off when I pulled out a t-shirt. A shirt only weighs like, four ounces, but that didn’t matter, because it’s a piece of IKEA furniture. Slowly the dresser toppled as I slipped and fell beneath it. I heard the crack of bones and the scream that escaped my throat was one of such guttural pain, in that moment, I didn’t care what some girls did. I just wanted to live.
Anyway, I’m not being misogynistic. Just because I know that I’m different from other girls, doesn’t mean I want anything bad to happen to them. I wouldn’t wish for an IKEA dresser to fall on my worst enemy! But, I know that it already has. The cruel reality is: it happens to every girl at some point in her life—and that’s like, the only thing I have in common with them.
