It’s not right to make assumptions about people based on their sexual partners, but when I tell people I’ve taken the Phillie Phanatic as a lover, many are quick to label me a furry. Furries are individuals with a sexual interest in anthropomorphic animal characters, and while I cast no judgement against them, I want to be very clear: I am not fucking the Phillie Phanatic because I’m a furry, I’m fucking him because he’s very tall.
Before I became involved with the Phanatic, I spent years wasting my time on relationships that went nowhere and futile efforts to navigate the abysmal dating scene. I never envisioned myself with a bipedal flightless birdman with a dumptruck ass and one shirt, but he’s 6’6”, has a steady job, and loves trying new places to eat. Does that make me a furry? No. That makes me a woman in her 30s who knows what she needs and how to ask for it.
Some people will judge me for discriminating against shorter men, but you can’t get mad at me for having preferences. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I want a man who can sweep me off my feet, toss me onto the back of the little ATV he rides around at work, and really show me who wears the pants in the relationship, even though the Phillie Phanatic technically does not wear pants. Again, his bountiful ass would simply not fit. So while that man may be covered in fur, I am not a furry. If anything, I’m a bit of a normie. And I don’t care.
When people find out I’m hooking up with Phillie, they have a lot of questions. They want to know about the sex, they want to know whether he keeps on his big red sneakers, they want to hear about his signature extendable tongue. But I don’t care about any of that. You want to know what I care about? Having a date to my sister’s wedding that will be taller than me in 6-inch heels. Speaking of six inches, that’s how big the Phillie Phanatic’s penis is. Thought it would be bigger? Well guess what, he’s not some freakshow for you to exoticize; he’s just a nice solid guy who’s tall and has a normal penis that yes is covered in green feathers, but lubes up fine.
So next time you go to cast judgement and assume that someone is a furry just because they’re fucking a renowned bird-person mascot, think twice. Some of us are just average girls looking for a solid, tall guy to go apple picking with. Now I’m off to catch a feathery green dick.
