While many people consider themselves to be a passenger princess –– someone who refuses to drive and instead opts to get the princess treatment in the passenger seat –– that is simply not the case for me. That’s not to say that I’m someone who prefers to drive, either. No, I’m simply a trunk troll.
Passenger princesses are regal, chic, and captivating. Trunk trolls are in the trunk. Passenger princesses have opinions on how you’re driving, or advice to give on which route to take. Trunk trolls have a riddle for you. Passenger princesses are highly visible. You’ll forget trunk trolls are even there, and when you reach your destination, they’ll have to yell, “Hey, can somebody please let me out of the trunk?”
Almost anyone can be a passenger princess. All it takes is a hatred for driving and a demanding demeanor. However, it takes a true gremlin to be a trunk troll.
Trunk trolls are those who, when there are too many passengers in a car, are the first to offer to sit in the trunk. Hell, even when there aren’t too many passengers, a true trunk troll might still offer to take the non-seat that is in the way back. It’s where they feel safest. Not physically, of course, but spiritually. It’s where they belong.
I relate to all of these qualities on a deep, core level. And if you’re a trunk troll like me, you will as well.
I like to sprawl out in the trunk and become invisible to my fellow passengers. I like for them to forget I’m there, and then to rifle through the trunk’s contents to see what the driver keeps back there.
To date, some of the items I’ve found nestled in the trunk with me include: a Tamagotchi from 2006, an old McDonald’s Happy Meal that I saved in case I got trapped back there and needed food to survive, a copy of Twilight that I read front to back when I actually did get left behind for several hours, and some unidentifiable green gunk.
As for now, I’m still stuck in the trunk because nobody heard my cries to let me out when we reached our destination, but at least I have McDonald’s and a semi-functional Tamagotchi to sustain me until they return.
