It seems that for some cockeyed, godforsaken reason, everyone in this office has forgotten that it’s the most fuck-damn wonderful time of the year, and it’s really pissing me off.
The first thing I do in the morning after assuming my position at the front desk of our office is to crack open a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, house a whole bag of Baked Lays, and start playing Hanson’s Christmas album, Snowed In, on repeat. For some reason, certain people at this office are offended by that choice. Why? I choose joy because I am joy.
I can’t for the life of me figure out why Devorah, who always gives me side-eye when I correct her saying “Happy Holidays” to “Merry Christmas,” wouldn’t participate in Ugly Sweater Fridays this month. Doesn’t she realize I’m just trying to be the light I wish to see in this world?
Janet and Marc are upset with me for accidentally eating their hummus every day, but is that any reason not to help me find the one loose bulb in 300 yards of twinkle lights? It’s the reason for the season!
Sure, Brad might be angry at me for telling his wife that we were having sex every Wednesday evening when he said he was taking Zumba classes, but is that really a reason to not participate in Secret Santa? You know I go over the limit by $100, making everyone else look poor. Am I the only one who benefits from that? I don’t think so.
But okay, sure, maybe all of HR is resentful toward me after I set the bathroom on fire and didn’t get fired because I am the daughter of our CEO, but is that really a reason to get angry at me for wearing noisy jingle bells on every article of clothing since Halloween? I’m just trying to spread some fucking cheer! Why have people stopped looking up from their desks when I jingle by?!
Everyone is this office needs to lighten the fuck up. Christmas comes but once a year, and I am 100% dedicated to celebrating until I get fucking fired for real this time.
