‘I’m Feeling Good These Days,’ Says Woman Who Clearly Does Not Get NYTimes Notifications

In recent news, 29-year-old Santa Barbara resident Sammy Hart told friends at brunch that she’s generally feeling pretty good these days. The others quickly concluded that she must not be receiving push notifications from the New York Times.


“I’m about to turn 30 next month, and I finally feel a deep sense of peace radiating throughout my body,” says Hart, whose phone was definitely in a tote bag somewhere. “You ladies should try to get to bed earlier.”


Sources confirm that the devastating news cycle has kept many of Sammy’s friends awake for various reasons.


“Yeah, I’d love to sleep more,” says Kate Olwens, a regular brunch attendee. “But I work for a news show. Every hour my phone dings a minimum of four times with some alert that informs me the president said something xenophobic, or that a hate crime was committed, or something else horrible. I wish I could sleep, but I can’t.”



“To feel peaceful right now is irresponsible,” says Monica Alvarez, Sammy’s friend from college. “I have a kid. If I’m up at night, it’s cause I’m thinking about her and her future and keeping her safe. Last week I told Sammy it’s her civic duty to turn on her push notifications, but she refused.”


“I don’t want anything to harsh my dope vibe right now,” explains Sammy, who spent the next 20 minutes urging all of her friends to “choose positivity.”


“You girls need to let loose once in a while,” says Sammy, motioning to the waiter that they’re ready for a replenishment of bottomless mimosas. “You know the act of smiling, even if it’s forced, can do wonders for your mood.”


Sources confirm that soon after she said this, Kate and Monica’s phones lit up with various push notifications.


“I have to go into work, they need all hands on deck,” cited Kate before leaving.


“Come on, bitches, this brunch is just getting started,” hollered Sammy, in an attempt to rally her friends. “I haven’t even told you about the crazy sex I had last night.”


After both her friends rushed out, Sammy looked to her phone, confused, before gasping.


“Kate Middleton in this peacoat,” said Sammy. “Holy shit, the world will never be the same.”