‘If You Don’t Want a Baby, Keep Your Legs Closed,’ Says Man Who Jerks Off Five Times a Day

In the wake of recent legislation to outlaw abortion in many states, 24-year-old Kyle Gonzales has found the gall to suggest that if women don’t want to become pregnant, they should “keep their legs closed,” despite his near constant need to masturbate if his needs cannot be met with a woman.


“It’s pretty simple, just don’t have sex,” said Kyle, who, for lack of a sexual partner, feels compelled to satisfy his own sexual urges five times per day or more.


Kyle, who took a break from pleasuring himself to smugly judge women for doing the same, went on to explain his foolproof method of birth control.



“If these broads would just stop slutting around, they wouldn’t need abortions because they wouldn’t get pregnant,” he said. “Women just don’t wanna hear that.”


“It’s called self-control,” added Kyle, who frequently ducks into the bathroom at work to beat his own meat, unable to wait until gets home.


“He has a lot of nerve,” said Lizzie Boyle, Kyle’s ex-girlfriend. “Like, he’s bold for telling women should be able to do with their bodies, sure. But he’s truly audacious for this particular take. One time when I was tired and didn’t want to have sex, he started crying.”


But Kyle’s stance remains firm, so to speak.


“Females need to have some morals, and part of that means not spreading their legs every three seconds,” said Kyle, who strokes himself to completion every three hours. “If you’re not easy, then you won’t need an abortion.”


At this point in the interview, Kyle had to leave to “run a quick errand.”