The internet is abuzz with a new it-boy archetype: the hot rodent man. From Jeremy Allen White to Josh O’Connor, everyone’s thirsting over men who look a little bit like mice in an endearing way, so I thought I struck gold when I nabbed a hot rodent boyfriend of my own. His mousy features, tiny hands, and long tail made me blush, but what started as a dream quickly became a nightmare when he gave in to his nature: My hot rodent boyfriend dumped me for some cheese.
The early days of our relationship were picture-esque. His huge ears were perfect for listening, and he was an amazing chef – or rather, he had amazing recipes, and would pull on strands of my hair to let me feel like I was the one doing the cooking. We were an incredible team. I thought I had found the person with whom I might want to spend the next couple years of my life, which would be the entirety of his life.
Imagine my surprise, then, when I woke up yesterday, reached across the bed for my loving boyfriend, and felt nothing. He was missing, gone without a trace. Mid-day, I received a distressing text: a picture of him with some cheese and the simple phrase, “I found someone new xoxo.” I had no clue my hot rodent boyfriend could be this disloyal. He had never strayed before this, mostly because I held his hand at all times to prevent him from being lured to a glue trap or similar contraption.
I think I would have felt better if he’d at least dumped me for some artisanal cheese, perhaps a wedge of brie or a slice of aged parmesan. I couldn’t contain my fury, then, when I saw him the next week at our favorite restaurant with a measly slice of American cheddar that smelled really bad and was clearly molding at the corner. I couldn’t contain my disgust or my evolutionarily advantageous gag reflex at the sight of mold.
Needless to say, my hot rodent ex-boyfriend and I had to go “no contact.” We haven’t texted or seen each other since the breakup, but late last night I heard some scurrying and noticed there’s a mouse in my house. I can’t believe he would have his friends spy on me like this.
