Most of us can probably relate to dreading a trip to the gynecologist. The stirrups are awkward, you always have to slide your butt farther forward than feels natural, and just the word “speculum” sends a shiver down my spine. But good bedside manner and an attentive and caring provider can make all the difference in the world. That’s why my recent visit can best be categorized as a downright nightmare.
It’s true: my gynecologist refused to teach me how to queef on command.
Maybe some of us can get by clocking in, doing the bare minimum, and clocking out, but from a vagina doctor with years of expertise in the field, I would expect a little more.
I guess my gyno was playing a little prank on me when she finished my exam and asked if I had “any questions” because as soon as I asked her to please teach me to queef at will, she started stammering on about not really knowing about that, needing to see other patients, and not wanting to prolong visits because of covid. And during women’s history month, no less.
Ultimately, doctors are just people with all the same biases and shortcomings as anyone else, and as such, it’s important to know how to advocate for yourself in medical situations. That’s why when my doctor declined to teach me the art of vag farts, I said “pweeeease!” and then she wordlessly left the room.
Is this technically malpractice? Please reach out only if you think the answer is yes.
At the end of the day, you can’t count on anyone but yourself. That’s why I’ve been crouching down ass naked and swinging my hoo-ha around trying to catch air in it like a bubble wand, NO thanks to Dr. Katz. This is called self-care, and I shouldn’t have to do it.
So let my story be a warning to you, and vet your prospective docs more thoroughly by calling in advance to see if your insurance will cover a private queef lesson. It may be hard or even impossible to find an appointment, but whatever – you don’t really need that pap smear.
