I’ll be the first to admit that I often use self-deprecating humor to deflect. I’ve always felt like if I can recognize something about myself and draw attention to it before others do the same, then I can take control of the narrative. This normally works like a charm, but today at a lunchtime meetup with my friends, it went horribly awry. I was telling my girls about my current situationship and jokingly said, “Yeah, you know me! Always chasing people who don’t want me!” Everyone laughed and shook their heads lovingly, but then my friend Diane added, “Haha, yeah, and you’re always into people that you have absolutely no chance with!”
What the hell? Since when is it okay to hit someone when they’ve already hit themselves and are therefore already down?
I thought the worst was over and was already quite hurt, but after Diane opened the floodgates, everyone else piled on. My friend Madison chimed in with “I’ve been saying that, too!” and her sister Leah added, “In fact, we’ve all been talking behind your back about how you’re never going to find love if you continue on this path!”
Wait a second – why wasn’t everyone just laughing at my little quip and telling me I was “so wrong”?
“You guys have all been saying this behind my back?” I asked, incredulous. I was so taken aback by how quickly all of my friends capitalized on this opportunity to voice their issues with my dating life. While I was clearly upset and genuinely hurt, my friends just giggled and acted as if this was an invitation to continue levying their grievances.
“Yeah, absolutely!” Diane continued. “I mean, you said it yourself. You’re always chasing people who don’t want you! As long as you know that it’s true, it’s not hurtful to agree. That’s how it works! We’re so glad you said it on your own, so we didn’t have to, though.”
I wracked my brain for how things could have gotten so off track. All I wanted was for my friends to laugh and insist that I was judging myself too harshly, but instead, they became huge bitches about it. I got up to leave because I was so hurt, but as I was stomping out of the door, I tripped and instinctively said, “Oh, that is so classic me.” I had hoped this would lighten the mood, but instead, Madison said, “Yeah! And you’re broadly incompetent!” which felt like kicking a dog – who had already been kicked once when it was down – again.
