Trying to find a beau who doesn’t have his mattress on the floor of his bedroom is a difficult task. That’s why, when I saw a room full of beautiful, elevated mattresses with brand-new bedframes at Serta, I decided to take my chances and fuck the sales guy.
Is this what sexuality in the modern age has come to?
Did I have to go to the mattress store to find a bed frame-owning sexual partner? Apparently. This Serta salesman didn’t just have one California king with a sexy oak headboard fit for a queen, he had 28!
My previous sexual partners refused to buy bed frames, but would spend hundreds on shoes or NFTs. Why did every man I fuck refuse to lift their mattress from off the floor? It wasn’t until I saw him, the Serta salesman, that I realized that I deserved a more elevated sexual experience, both literally and figuratively.
There was something so suave about this mattress king. I felt confident that he would bed me in a real bed, not a limp mattress raw dogging the floor.
Last week, after the Serta sales hunk sold me an extra-firm foam mattress and I waited until he closed, we made love on 15 different real beds with big strong bedframes and headboards. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t asleep, because it was a dream come true.
I never knew sex could be so glorious, or so high off the ground!
After all my years of waiting, I finally had sex on a real bed. None of his many mattresses touched the floor and it was a real romp. I couldn’t help but feel a little devastated that, after all these years of mattress floor sex, there was always better out there in mattress stores across the country.
The truth is it wasn’t about the sex, it was about the security of having a bed frame to support my sexual endeavors. I didn’t have to worry about rolling onto the cold floor during coitus. Sex is so much better from the comfort of a bed frame and within the open-concept layout of a Serta showroom.