When I got home last night and put on Sufjan Stevens’ critically acclaimed seventh album Carrie & Lowell, I didn’t realize I was signing up to adopt veganism as an ideology and lifestyle. But here I am.
I had just gotten home after a long day at the office, already feeling pretty tired, and thought some folksy, acoustic tunes would help me wind down for the night. Carrie & Lowell was supposed to be a classic indie-folk record, and I thought I’d give it a full play. No big deal.
Little did I know, Sufjan Stevens was leading me onto the path of permanent iron deficiency.
All night, Sufjan’s anemic little voice filled my vulnerable ears. He whispered to me like a tiny ghost, namedropping like, at least two or three of the Great Lakes, and I dozed off like a Midwestern baby. Floating in and out of consciousness, I strangely felt my body drain of any and all vitamin D supply.
This morning, I woke up and immediately knew something was off. Very off. I was craving kale. I was craving seeds. I, for inexplicable reasons, now knew what “seitan” was.
I ran to the bathroom mirror and saw in my reflection that I was wearing a beanie two sizes too small. I tried to shake it off and told myself I was just imagining things. How could a singer-songwriter completely transform my diet and consumption patterns?
At lunchtime, I walked to the deli and caught myself choosing between the chik’n filet and cauliflower burger. When I tried to override these new instincts and have my usual pulled pork sandwich, Sufjan Stevens’ “Mystery of Love” started ringing in my ears, like a funeral march.
I had to face the facts. I was plant-based.
After a lifetime of ordering the meat-lovers special, just one extended LP of Sufjan’s vegan-ass fucking instrumentation was enough to change something in me, forever. I now gag at the sight of pastrami. My farts are actually fatal. I automatically ‘like’ social media posts from PETA, no matter how dumb, out of a weird sense of duty.
So be warned: if you’re not ready to give up animal products for the rest of your life, play it safe. Don’t stream Sufjan, especially not when you’re sleeping and your subconscious mind is extra susceptible to outside influence. It’s too late for me, but you can learn from my mistakes. Stick to protein-heavy music after 10 pm.
