Growing up, we’re taught to say, “Bless you” whenever someone around us sneezes. I’ve always followed this social rule, but last Saturday I accidentally committed the ultimate faux pas and did not bless my friend of five years, Casey Samuels, after she sneezed. Now, I have to exorcise the demon that inhabits her body.
It all started when she sneezed like five times in a row, and I said “Bless you” the first two times but didn’t think it was necessary to say it again after that. It felt like a bit much, y’know? But boy was I wrong!
Later that day, her boyfriend called to tell me she was making these guttural noises and randomly talking in this strange language, which we later found out to be Latin. I knew something was wrong because Casey has never studied Latin. That’s when I knew I was going to have to cast away an evil spirit that had taken up residence in her body – that very same body which had been made susceptible to such vile wickedness due to my insufficient blessing. Gross and inconvenient!
I rushed over to her place to assess the damage. As soon as I got there I noticed this foul odor and a ton of scribbling on the walls. One section was completely covered in “666.” Casey was huddled in a corner and when I called out her name she wouldn’t answer. “Oh god,” I thought. “I can’t believe I have to literally perform an exorcism right now.”
At first I thought she was just offended that I didn’t say “bless you” enough, but when I said, “Oh, my God, Casey what happened to you?” she lunged at me from across the room and shrieked, “YOUR GOD IS NOT WELCOME HERE!”
Needless to say, it was a lot! Plus, I hate having to do exorcisms on my own friends.
I’ve been trying to schedule a priest, but they’re super busy with wedding season and all, and now I have to do it myself using wikiHow. Seriously folks, you do not want to put yourself in this position – she’s been barfing a green substance on me for the past 20 minutes straight.
The next time someone around me sneezes, I will be sure to not only say “bless you” loud and clear, but also douse them in holy water every time they sneeze. Amen!